Thank You 2016...

 "Time flies, but the memories collected along the way can never be replaced."

                                                                                 

I still have some memories of 2015 and I barely believe that I am ending my 2016 to welcome 2017..

First of all, I just want to say "THANK YOU!"

Thanks to everything that happened in 2016..
I am so grateful that 2016 is a wonderful year for me..

As I have told myself to lead a better life since u left..
I guess I am doing my best, right? =)

You actually gave me the courage..
To overcome my fear..
To achieve what I want in my life..
To lead a happy and healthy lifestyle..

There are still some sad memories that happen in 2016..
I am happy that I keep learning..

Never in my life, I felt so contented, blissful, and gratitude..
For I have achieved some of the goals that I aim..

1) At last, I went to Sabah and it was a wonderful trip I enjoy so much.
2) I am leading a healthy diet by eating cooked food and cutting down the consumption of processed food, snacks and fast food.
3) I exercise regularly.
4) I completed my first half marathon.
5) I seriously attend workshop and become an OPM practitioner.
6) I will be attending a 10 days meditation retreat in Taiping.
 
I am proud of myself..
I am proud to be your daughter..

I am ready to welcome 2017!
I am sure is gonna be another great year ahead!

P/S:
Dear Mum,
I will be living better as years goes on. 
Thank you for bringing me to this world. 
You are the best mum ever!
I love you always and forever!
=D

Let It...

"Sometimes it takes accepting what you don’t deserve to realize what you won’t ever tolerate again."

                                                                    

Let it go..
For things that does not belong to us..

Let it go..
For things that will never return..

Let it be..
For things that had happened..

Let it be..
For things that are beyond our control..

We, human should just keep learning and growing..
Life is a mysterious and unpredictable thing..

Experiences make us aware..
Mistakes make us learn..

Enjoy the moment and be part of Life..=)

You...

"She gave all that she had;

 She tried when you didn't;

 and she'll walk away knowing that in the end,

 You were not worthy of her love."

                                                                                      

Sometimes I do wish I never met you..

I wondered how will I be now if I did not meet you..

People may think I am being desperate for how I act..

People may feel I am being stupid for making the drastic move..

I never regret every of my decision..

I feel like telling you this;

You are a jerk!

I am gathering my courage to cut you off totally..

I do not know when but I really hope is soon..

How I wish I can delete you..

I am trying to stop hoping for miracle..

Please do not like my post..

Please do not text me..

Please just please..

Fragile...

“All alone! Whether you like it or not, alone is something you’ll be quite a lot.”

                                                                             

Seeing your love ones leave you to another world is torturing...
Because you know you will never get to touch, to hug, to talk, to listen, and to laugh together anymore...
The times when you spend with your love ones will become memories...

Life is short...
Life is unexpected...
Life is so fragile...

You must choose to live your life as if there is no tomorrow...

To Trust...

"It's easy to take off all your clothes and have sex. People do it all the time. But opening up your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit, thoughts, fears, future, hopes, dreams...

Now that's being naked."

                                                                                                                 

No one actually understand themselves totally...
It takes effort and time to slowly get to know yourself...

                   Last year had been a tough year for me and that was also the year when I really learn to get to know myself better and better. Somehow, occasionally I still lost myself. I met quite a number of new people and I start to realize that I do not share my things so easily to people. I am not the kind of person that will just say my stuff to people. If you ask me then I am glad to answer you honestly but, hardly I will initiate to share my things. This is me being protective to myself before I place my trust in you. Patience, initiative, sincere, and honest; if you really want to get to know me more. 

It takes 100 days to know just a day of that person personality...
Trust will definitely not easy to build in just a day or two...

It's Alright...

"There is constant rain inside you and you drown every day,

but you’re trying so hard to disguise it with sunshine in your smile.

You are brave, even when no one notices it.

You are brave, because you are trying."

                                                                                

Just when you are in your comfort zone,

New things may happen...

New people may come...

New thought may appear...

Life is like a roller-coaster...

Life is always full with uncertainties...

People come and go...

Things change everyday...

Accept and appreciate every changes that happens...

Things, people, memories that are meant to let go,

Will slowly fade as time goes...

I still miss you and it's alright...

Rather than suppress my feelings, I chose to embrace it...=)

Fighting...

"I would rather be in the friendzone than in a relationship with someone who doesn't appreciate me."

                                                                                      

I have slowly slowly adapt myself back to square one...

I allowed myself to feel sad and emo for few days..

I keep telling myself that I will be alright, time will heal it...

I tried to stay optimistic...

As days go by..

I start to build back the wall that is protecting me with better materials...

I have locked the door to my heart...

One message..

The wall just cracked...

I almost want to open the door...

I am still fighting...

I wondered how much energy left for this fight...

I wondered will I breakdown...

Somehow...

I know my buddies want me to win this fight..

They are ready to support me and stand by my side...

So...

I am trying my best to fight relentlessly...

Move on...

"You lost her and it was not because she is hard to hold, or love, or touch but because she was made of your absence, of all the things you ignored and all the beautiful poetry you read but failed to understand."

                                                                                                            

I know it may takes some time for me to get over it...

Maybe weeks...

Maybe months...

Maybe years...

But I know I can do it!

Because I always believe that.. 

Somehow I will meet the one who deserves me.. =)

Let it go and move on...

Time will heal again...=)

I Met the First Person...

"I am glad we had the times together just to laugh and sing a song, seems like we just got started and then before you know it, the times we had together were gone."

                                                                                                   

I am pretty much sure I met the first person in my life.

This person...
Does not really have any common interest with me.
Yet I feel the compatibility between us.

This person...
Initially makes me have that fear.
Yet I try to overcome my fear.

This person...
Does not seem to be a nature lover person.
Yet enlighten me with a different perspective on how nature goes.

This person...
Looks so stressful with so many things in mind.
I wish I can help to reduce the stress.

This person...
Hardly have time for me.
Yet I still hope that one day there will be time for me.

Somehow,
I really want to keep on believing, keep on hoping that...
Maybe I will become this person priority.
Maybe I am not an option.

This person came to my life and taught me a lot, I felt grateful and happy to came across this person.

But...
I know is time to stop hoping and believing.
I know it is time for me to let it go and move on.

Strong? I am not...

Recently I read a book titled Reflection of a Man by Amari Soul and I came across this part that touches me.

"A strong woman knows that being strong is not an option for her, it's a necessity"

So, everyday she wakes up and meets the world and all of its challenges head on.

But sometimes, at the end of the day, when all is said and done and she finally closes the door, she cries.

Not because she's weak, but because it's hard being strong, day after day, knowing that if you don't do it, no one will.

The soft cries that most will never hear slowly disappear as the new day comes and you rise once again to be the strong, confident woman you are.

                                                                                                                 

To be strong, is tired.
To be strong, is not easy.

You are strong.
What a strong woman you are.

Ya, I seem to be strong.
I looked strong physically.

To be truth, I am not.
I can breakdown anytime of the day.

The tiredness is not as if you have run a full marathon or you have not been having sleeps for 3 days.
The tiredness cannot be describe; some days you may feel so light; some days the tiredness may kill you mentally.

I always afraid that one day, I may give up to fight for my life.
That is why I decided to train my mentality to always stay strong; strong enough to fight for my life.

Honesty...

When you face with a problem or uncertainty,

At first...
You will analyse the whole situation...
You will make guesses...
You are in doubt...

Some...
May give up halfway through...
May think of the bad more than the good side...
May avoid as much as you can...

Others...
Choose to ignore...
Choose to just let it be...
Choose to forget...

For me...
I will choose to be honest with myself...
I will rather make a shame of myself...
I will rather take it as a challenge...

Only when I am honest with myself, 
I live at ease...
My mind is calm...
I am happy..=D

One year passed...

If you are still here, who am I today?

It's been a year...
Yet memories of you still fresh in my mind...

Do not worry...
Be proud...
For you have make me survive till today...

Thoughts...

Thoughts come and go in our daily lives.
Thoughts varies according to our mood.

When happy...
I thought of building my own house.
I thought of involving myself to music.
I thought of success in my career path.
I thought of living my life without worries.
I thought of getting close to the nature as much as I can.
I thought of doing something incredible like handcraft stuff.

When sad...
I thought of myself being ugly, fat and anti-social.
I thought of myself being so useless and hopeless.
I thought of hiding myself until people come and look for me.
I thought of running away to a place where nobody know me.
I thought of myself as a lazy person that always waste my time.
I thought of ending my life because I am tired of living in this world.

When jealous...
I thought of how will I be if I am a genius.
I thought of how will I be if I am a celebrity.
I thought of how I wish I am born in a rich family.
I thought of why certain people have good and easy life.
I thought of why people have such loving and happy family.
I thought of blaming the world for giving me such difficult path to walk.

When lonely...
I thought of having a pet to talk with.
I thought of disconnecting myself from everyone.
I thought of having someone special to spend times together.
I thought of the memories spend with my mum back in Taiping.
I thought of my mum still living and waiting me to go back Taiping.
I thought of showing my vulnerabilities to someone I am really comfortable with.

When angry...
I thought of  forever not talking to people that cheat.
I thought of scolding ignorant people that waste food.
I thought of killing ignorant people that destroy the nature.
I thought of punishing road bully that endanger other people lives.
I thought of telling the whole world how stupidity a person can be.
I thought of blaming myself for being so ignorant to all the bad things that happen.

All these are part of my thoughts; come and go as they wish.
Awareness is important to allow you to determine your thoughts.

Some thoughts can be achieved.
Some thoughts can be forgotten.

Allow the thoughts to come and go.
As long as you are aware with yourself, never let negative thoughts consume you.

Always have a good laugh at your thoughts.
This is what I did always...=D

The One...

The One is always by your side through thick and thin.
The One is always by your side through sick and health.
The One is always by your side since the day you born.

The One see you grow.
The One see you fall.
The One see you happy.

The One will never give up on you.
The One will face death and live together with you.
The One will never forget you, yet you always ignore it.

I am grateful for I have found mine...
Even though, sometimes I am not sure but I think is The One...

Have you found yours? =)

You and The Unknown...

There are many things in our life is full with uncertainties and mystery.

It is never about other person;
It is always You...

To LOOK...
To LISTEN...
To SEE...
To CARE...
To AWARE..
To LOVE...

You, yourself.

The Unknown, creates FEAR.
The Unknown, makes you in DOUBT.
The Unknown, remains UNKNOWN if you chose to ignore.

The Unknown, requires COURAGE.
The Unknown, helps you GROW.
The Unknown, needs to be EXPLORE.

Once explore, The Unknown will disappear and You grow again.

My wish with you..

As the day approaching,
You are in my mind more frequent...

When I remembered memories of you laughs and jokes with me,
I smile and even laugh foolishly...

When I remembered memories of you in pain, weak, hopeless and suffer,
I cry silently...

Sometimes,
I wish I could turn back the time...

Sometimes,
I wish I could disappear your suffering...

Sometimes,
I wish I could fulfill your dreams...

Just sometimes,
I wish I can meet you;
I wish I can talk to you;
I wish I can hug you;
I wish I can kiss you;

I just wish to be by your side always...

My wish with you....will never be achieved.

Fulfillment...

When a problem or something unusual occur in your life...

You will start to think...

And think...

And think...

You may come out with many reasons or analysis results...

You may come out with one or plenty solutions...

You may even seek for advises...

Just when you thought you have finally know how to solve it,

Suddenly comes a thought...

A thought...

That makes you feel at ease...

That makes you think differently...

That makes you laugh at yourself...

Your whole self will come to peace...

And that is how fulfillment achieved...

How you define LOVE?

There are many definition of Love...
Everyone had their own definition of Love...

Some even define Love according to family, siblings, lover and etc.

To me...

Love is simple and it must allows freedom.

"A mature person has the integrity to be alone. 

And when a mature person gives love, he gives without any strings attached to it: he simply gives. 

And when a mature person gives love, he feel grateful that you have accepted his love, not vice versa.

He does not expect you to be thankful for it: no, not at all, he does not even need your thanks.

He thanks you for accepting his love.

And when two mature persons are in love, one of the greatest paradoxes of life happens, one of the most beautiful phenomena: they are together and yet tremendously alone, they are together so much so that they are almost one.

But their oneness does not destroy their individuality; in fact, it enhances it: they become more individual.

Two mature persons in love help each other to become more free. 

There is no politics involved, no diplomacy, no effort to dominate.

How can you dominate the person you love?

Just think over it..."

*Adaptation from Osho

To love and not to be jealous; 

To love and not to be possessive; 

To love and let the other have all their freedom;

Is really a great achievement. 

Only then will you really experience love and its fragrance...=)

Ego...

I could not find the courage...
   To face you in person for I knew I will end up crying...

I could not find the courage...
   To call you for I knew I will remain silent in the end...

I thought....and thought...and thought...countless times...

What is going on?
What really happen? 

Am I being rude?

Am I wrong again?

Why I feel sad?

Why am I acting like this?

All the unknowns, the questions has been playing around in my mind for the past few weeks...

Somehow today...

I finally realise who is the main culprit behind all these things..

The main culprit for making me acting like this..

*Smirk

Do you know who?

Is a person call Ego.

Because of Ego, 

I act like I did nothing wrong this time..

I act like I did not give a damn on what is going wrong..

I act childishly wanting to win this fight..

If I did not aware of Ego,

I know I will still go on with my life...

I know I will still think I did nothing wrong...

I know I will slowly show no concern to you any more...

I know there will be a distance between you and me when we meet...

All these is just because of Ego...

I gave myself a deep thought...

I asked my heart...

Do I really want these results that ego give me?

I smiled..

Because I realize and grateful that the answer is No...=)

Forever...

How nice if life is just like the so-called happily ever after of the ending from any fairy tale stories...
How nice if we really get to meet someone that say 'I will love you forever'...
How nice if we did not change forever...

Nothing is permanent...
I start to accept this fact and slowly get to see how things changes actually...
I saw and realize...

How myself have change in appearance...
How myself have change the way I treated people...
How myself have change regarding my working attitudes...
How myself have change the way of thinking about life...
How myself have change regarding my goals and dreams...
How my friends change as we grew older...

Does FOREVER really exist?

Goodbye, Thank you and Hi...

Goodbye..
Each year brings different memories to me. 2015 had been an exceptionally year to me for it had given me a lot of things. Its unbearable sometimes but I do overcome it. Anyway I am so grateful to 2015 because it made me grow so much a lot than the previous year.

Here is the things I get in 2015:

PAIN
All this while I thought pain is just like you had a cut in your hand or you accidentally knock your leg at a cupboard or whatsoever. I experienced internal pain instead of external pain. It excruciating and it actually takes a very long time to fully recover or maybe never recover. The pain is a whole new level that I could not find any word to describe how it feels.

SAD
Sadness always makes me feel lonely. Sadness brings tears to me. Sadness can demotivate and spoil your day. When sadness come, you cannot avoid but choose to embrace it. As an adult, I cried the most in 2015.

SHOCK
Honestly I was shocked with my working life culture. It is not as simple and easy as I thought. I still cannot believe for getting reprimand by my boss almost once a week for at least 5 months. Surprisingly I overcome it. I was also shocked to see how fragile a human life can be. You seem okay but the moment you knew something is wrong with your health, you can changed totally.

ANGER
After you left me, I am actually angry with myself. Angry for not listening to your advice and demand. Angry for being ignorant to your feelings. Angry for being playful and take things lightly. Angry for not always being with you. So much anger in me that I almost felt like ending my life for being such a useless, disobedient, ignorant, disrespectful and many more attitudes that makes you sad.

LONELY
Suddenly I felt so lonely that the loneliness is so different from being single. I used to feel lonely for still remaining single and hopping for a boyfriend. However, 2015 had given me another much more deeper loneliness that I felt like I am going to be alone for the rest of my life, the feeling of missing something too previous that I felt myself unconsciously living in this world.

Thank you...
Even though 2015 brought me these unhappy things, I learned a lot from each of the things I listed above.
I grew so much in 2015. I started to looked at myself, the people around me and the world differently.
Sometimes I cannot even believe what I have become now is so different from 5 years ago, what I thought myself would be.
Deep down I felt extremely grateful to every single things that happen to me.
It is this little things that act like the puzzle pieces which I have yet to complete my puzzle.
By the way, it is still a long way to go and I will keep learning for sure.

Hi...
So now I would like to welcome 2016 with a big wide smile.
Although we will never know what and how 2016 is going to give us things, what we can do is just to live in the present, to be ready for any unknowns, and to overcome any obstacles that might happen.
Just believe that 2016 is gonna be an amazing and fabulous year for you and I am sure it will be somehow.
After all, let's just face 2016 happily and healthily. =D