Single...

In a blink of eyes, I have been living for 25 years and many years more to go...
I have not involved in a relationship even once but I heard relationship stories far more than I expected...
As I grew older, I am becoming more and more aware with myself...
Of course I am still searching and will never stop searching what I want in my life...

"People who have been single for too long are the hardest to love.
They have become so used to being single, independent and self-sufficient that it takes something extraordinary to convince them that they need you in their life."

Recently I came across this quote by my friend which makes me have a deep thought of it...

How would you define hardest to love?
What are the extraordinary?

Occasionally I do read several quotes from the internet or whoever famous person, so i just wondered...
Have you really understand and spend some time to have a deep thought on the real meaning behind every quotes?

Precious lessons...

If I were to recall back myself for the past 25 years, all is you that makes the "ME" of today.

The day when you cried in front of me for the first time,
I told myself to be STRONG in order to protect you.

The day when you forgot to fetch me from school,
I knew it is time for me to be INDEPENDENT in order to reduce your worries.

The day when you told me that you are having financial problem,

I told myself to spend more WISELY in order to ease your problem.

The day when you told me to just do whatever I feel like doing in the future,
I knew I have to search for my PASSION in order to make you proud.

The day when you show me how busy your life is,

I told myself to be more HARDWORKING in order to reduce your stress.

The day when you allow me to play with cats,

I knew I have to be CARING on all living things.

The day when you send me for art lessons,

I told myself to learn up this skills and be a CREATIVE person.

Although you did not teach me directly or blindly on how to live in this world, you have shown me many precious lessons for me to cope with this challenging world.

Even till the last day you really leave me,
I knew this will be my LAST and most PRECIOUS lessons that I had learned from you.

Life is really short...

From you, I learned to appreciate my life even more.

In doubt...

If we will be able to foresee the future then we will never be in doubt. 

If we will never be in doubt then we will be certain in every decision.

If we will be certain in every decision then things will be easier.

If things will be easier then the world will never be like today's.

If the world will never be like today's then what were we?

I do agreed we, human beings are always live in doubt.
Even the word 'If' had proven we are living in doubt.
Living in doubt can be torturing sometimes.
So rather than to seek for the future, embrace the present will be more practical.

Confusion...

I am in a very confusing state now...

I thought I like my job,
But I am not really doing well...

I thought I am doing well,
But I still get bad remarks from boss...

I thought I am improving,
But I still get scolded for repeating the same mistakes...

I thought I am happy with my work,
But I received feedback from my boss that I am unhappy...

I thought maybe I should change my job,
But I could not find a strong reason to do so...

I thought I am outgoing,
But I seems to be an introvert in my boss view... 

I thought....
I always thought.....

It's time I should stay alert and focus, but I still swayed elsewhere...

Although I always wish someone can help me, there is ONLY this person can help me...
I am still in the midst of searching...

Who am I? What I want?

This is the most frequent questions I have been asking myself for the past 3 days.

Who Am I?
Have you ever ask yourself this question?
Do you get an answer?
I do occasionally ask myself, who am I?
I always could not answered this question.
It seem like a simple question with a simple answer but that is not the answer I am looking for.
I am still searching and I will never give up in finding the answer.

What I want?
Sometimes I thought I had found out what I want,
but soon you realize that is not what you really want.
So you have to search back again but that takes a lot more effort which is why there are also people who refuse to search it and prefer to just go with it.
I start to re-think my decision on my current situation.
I had my goals but I always in doubt.

Life is a journey of self discovery.

I accepted it..

I have not been crying for a week remembering you...
I guess I had accept the truth...

Actually I had my plan since I had given the chance to travel before, I have always worried and dare not proceed with this plan partially is also because of you...
Now you have leave me to be all by myself, I guess I can take up this challenge and explore the world...

Possible another few more years...
If I am still single, I will pursue this plan...
I know you maybe sad and a little bit angry but...
Deep down I know you will always support with whatever I wants...

Goodbye...

Whenever I thought of you, tears just roll down my cheek...
I wondered how long I have been crying almost everyday...
I wished and I knew that one day...
One day..
When I think of you, I will be smiling instead of crying.

I heard you came back home yesterday. 
I knew you just wanted to check is everything all right before you leave. 
Do not worry. 
We will take care of ourself. 
Goodbye...

We are the same...

I thought I am the only one suffering...
I forgot whoever that is closest to my mum is also suffering...
Now the remaining two person who are the closest to me, are also experiencing the same suffering I had...
I hope they will recover soon just as the same to me...

I am grateful for I still had many people who are concern to me...
Thank you for the prayer I received from my buddy...
Thank you for all the guidance and advice from my boss...
Thank you for the dinner treat from my buddies...
Thank you for sharing with me your suffering as well...

Human are just so fragile...
One moment, you can be so happy eating and laughing at jokes;
The next moment, you cry out so much and nearly suffocate yourself.

Everytime...

Everytime,
I wake up in the morning, thinking that my mum is still in Taiping...
But...within a few seconds, I have to accept the truth and continue my day.

Everytime,
I see my mum contact number is no longer on the top list in my phone, I wonder why..
But...within a few seconds, I have to accept the truth and turn on the sleep mode.

Everytime,
I see my mum photos, I will automatically touch her face, hoping I can really feel her skin..
But..within a few seconds, I have to accept the truth and stop touching the photos.

Everytime,
I listen to my mum voice, thinking my mum is really now talking to me...
But..within a few seconds, I have to accept the truth and know that I will never get a reply from her if I respond.

Everytime,
When my phone ring, I always hope the number written as mum calling...
But...within a few seconds, I have to accept the truth and never expect phone call from her any more.

Everytime,
I hang out with my friends, I wonder why my phone no longer ringing...
But..within a few seconds, I have to accept the truth and stop expecting any phone calls.

Everytime,
When you just pop up in my mind, I smiled..
But...within few seconds, I have to accept the truth and start crying.

Sometimes I just wish there is this DELETE button in my mind so that I can stop thinking of you.
But deep down I know...
If I really find out the DELETE button, I will NEVER press on it as well.
I miss you so much.

Alone or Lonely...

Do you know that alone and lonely are different?

If A told you, "I am alone", and B told you, "I am lonely."

Do you think A is more sad than B or vice versa or both also sound sad?


I am alone but do I feel lonely?
I cannot answer you...

TIME is all I need

I have decided to not abandon my blog again... 

 Since the last post, many things happened.  
Changes is beautiful, yet there are some changes I wish it never happen. 

 The year 2015 had been creating an environment that keep forcing me to be strong.  
All this while, I have been strong but now I need to be STRONGER to allow myself keep breathing. 

I have been missing you every single moments. 
I hope the time can stop at the moment when I hugged you so tightly and smell the scent of you. 

 All I need is TIME. 

TIME will make me start living by my own without you by my side. 
TIME will make me explore new challenges and opportunities. 
TIME will make me grow. 
TIME will make me experience new things. 
TIME will make me meet new people. 
TIME will make me appreciate every single moment I am breathing now. 

And with TIME also I may reunite back with you one day.